Dear America,

Gosh I just really love you! You are so OK. Nobody loves you like I do.
There are just few things I’d like very much if you could change just a little for me if you don’t mind too much.

First, this thing you have about keeping the money you earn for yourself and your family. I know you already give an awful lot to your Uncle, but with how much you make it isn’t really fair that you don’t give him more. He has other neices and nephews who want and deserve it more than you.

Also, the way you cling to your religion! Really, what’s the big deal? It’s only God after all. And don’t even get me started on those guns of yours. It’s like you’re expecting that Uncle of yours to come kick down your door and take away something precious. What do you have that’s so great anyway? Freedom? Rights? Those are just words anyway.

Some of those momentos of your past that you keep hanging around could come between us one day. Maybe it would be best if you just box them up and put them away. Better yet, we could just burn them. No need to have those reminders of your past with other men around. What’s more important here, me or Mount Rushmore and that Constitution thingy of yours?

If you could just take care of these few little things, I just know I will love you all the more. If you can’t bring yourself to, my friends and I are always willing to “help” with change you can believe in.

Love,

Barry

P.S. If you do these things, Michelle will be so proud!